NSWF: It’s Meltdown Time! Rivalry Week

College football rivalry week is the greatest week in all of sports. Close proximity hatred boils over from lifetimes of trash talk into 3-4 hours of pure rage and stupidity. Add in a helping of spending a week with your family, many of whom likely support your rivals, mix with overeating, alcohol, and lots of yelling to make something truly magical.

Each hated rivalry is different, and we each think ours is the most bitter, but in this thread we love and support each cesspool of hatred that makes a college football rivalry. We have the greats like the Iron Bowl, the some game, the Apple Cup, Bedlam, the Egg Bowl, and the Heroes trophy.

Other overlooked rivalries can still be just as special like Baylor vs Kansas or Arkansas vs Mizzou. Today we come here to celebrate and laugh at all those other rivalries. It’s a wonderful time of year to laugh at the misfortune of others.

This is my final season as the curator of the Meltdown Thread and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed these past four seasons as its humble caretaker. I won’t get sappy just yet, I’ll save that for my final gift to y’all. Below is part 1 of this week’s melting, the non-Bama portion.

Five fanbases full of online butthurt as an appetizer to what will be an amazing meltdown finale. Now let’s dig into the good stuff.

The Some Game, a football game played between an Ohio State University and The University of Michigan took place this weekend in Ann Arbor. This game happens the same way almost every year with the Wolverines believing for some stupid reason this year would be different, and it never is. Jim Harbaugh’s team looked decent but shot themselves over and over again with dumb penalties, some related to wearing shoes, an Ohio State beat Down Michigan 56-27.

Paul Bunyan’s ax is a trophy for the game between Minnesota and Wisconsin. Fun fact: this is the most played rivalry game in college football history. Minnesota came in with a cinderella season playing for a chance to retake an all-time series lead in this rivalry and get a chance to get stomped in the Big Ten championship game. The Gophers boat stopped rowing and they would lose 38-17 at home.

The Apple Cup is a predictable yet entertaining rivalry game between Washington and Washington State. UW wins this game more years than not because dogs are far superior to cats. This year was no different as Washington trounced Wazzu 31-13 before Chris Peterson stepped down as head coach.

The Heroes Trophy features two bitter rivals Iowa and Nebraska, both wish extremely predictably unconventional seasons. Scott Frost’s squad was handed this game on so many occasions and in their midwestern politeness refused to take it. Nebraska fell 27-24 to miss the postseason.

The Egg Bowl might not be college football’s best rivalry game but it is certainly the most college footbally rivalry that exists. Ole Miss and Mississippi State play every year on Thanksgiving in what is traditionally the dumbest game of football played in a given season. This year’s Egg Bowl lived up to and surpassed the peak branding of Egg Bowlness any of us thought possible. The final drive featured a converted fourth and 26, hella flags, several injuries, a pantomimed dog-peeing celebration, and a doinked PAT to lose. Mississippi State would win the most wonderful and dumbest Egg Bowl ever by a score of 21-20.

Now I know I always say “don’t read any further if you don’t like cussing” but seriously this time I mean it. There are some serious cusses below. Make sure you have proper emotional support before scrolling downward.

THE SOME GAME

I knew that missed PAT was gonna cost Michigan the game.

Aight imma head out of this mortal coil

And yet another senior class graduates having no idea what it feels like to beat Ohio State.

We’ve reached the point where not only are the players graduating having never beaten Ohio State, they never even played on the same team as anyone who has done it.

With Michigan’s loss:

Ryan Day, in his first year ever being a head coach, now has more wins in The Game than Jim Harbaugh

Ryan Day has made it to more B1G Championship Games than Jim Harbaugh

Harbaugh is the first coach in this rivalry to ever lose 5 in a row (Edit: in the modern era)

Ohio State becomes the first team in this rivalry to win 8 in a row (Edit: in the modern era)

Ohio State now has the 2nd highest winning % all time in FBS, passing Michigan

Yeah but how many sacks did Chase get?

Checkmate.

Harbaugh: We’ve really focused on making sure Chase Young isn’t a factor in this game.

Reporter: And what about the rest of the team?

Harbaugh: The what now?

I envy boomers for one reason, they remember when Michigan was great.

Ohio State: 56. Over/under: 53

The person who began our descent into mediocrity, but gets none of the blame: Lloyd Carr

For the past 12 years, we’ve been passing the buck on why we can’t beat OSU. It’s RichRod, it’s Hoke, it’s JH, etc.

However, the more and more we struggle, it becomes clear that Carr was responsible for cratering the program in the first place, and no one has been able to clean up his mess since. He wasted his last five years in the program by becoming complacent and too loyal to his assistants, and clearly fell behind the curve on things like the spread. He also wasted insane amounts of NFL-caliber talent, such as (but not limited to) Mike Hart, LaMarr Woodley, Steve Breaston, Mario Manningham, Chris Perry, Jake Long, Leon Hall, etc. He quickly fell behind Tressel in coaching and recruiting, and the end was near.

But his crime wasn’t struggling against OSU, but rather what he did when it was finally his time to step down. From interfering with the coaching search, to encouraging players to transfer when RR was incoming, to promoting his buddy Hoke when the job came open again, to many other transgressions, he’s clearly set the program up to fail in his image.

I know a lot of people love to praise Carr as a “class act”, and in many ways his upstanding work for things like Mott and helping his proteges and players indicate that he’s a decent human. But his meddling in the program set us up for a decade of failure, and to remove us from the elite of college football. He deserves a ton of the blame that we’ve only won once since he’s left, and it might be too much for any coach, even JH to resurrect.

Has anyone ever seen Ezekiel Elliott and JK Dobbins in the same room? I’m being told yes but if they can fake the moon landing they can fake that picture.

Relationship ended with KHAKIS. Now Bad Boy Mower champ dancy boi Juwan is my best friend

Most points by OSU against UM since 2018

https://imgur.com/YWd0CF3

Another year, another big loss. Now I didn’t have large expectations going into this game, but we were at home and thought maybe they could at least keep it close. Self-inflicted wounds couldn’t allow that to happen. Reffing was mostly close though both fan-bases would probably say otherwise.

I’m just tired of losing this game. Maybe I put too much importance into how a bunch of 18-22 year olds play a game, but it hurts as always.

I’m not one of those “fire harbaugh” Slappy’s, because he’s a good coach, you don’t fire a coach who gets you 10 wins per season, and not only would we never get a better coach, but you see what happens when you get rid of a good coach, and go 5-7 and 3-9 as seen in our past.

Harbaugh Timeline:

Year 1: Loses to Ohio State by 29 in Ann Arbor

Years 2-4: Brings in more of “his” players.

Year 5: Loses to Ohio State by 29 in Ann Arbor

“We are a beacon of greatness in a sea of cheaters and bagmen” is peak third-place-in-your-division energy.

I don’t know how we ever win this again. We’re historically the same we’ve been for 50 years. Ohio State just got so much better over the past 20.

At this point it’s just sad. The play calling while down 20 was pathetic. Attempting that field goal to make it 35-19???? The wildcat run up the middle on a fourth down that could’ve made it a different game. The effort was non-existent as well. The play directly before that fourth down where our receiver didn’t even try to fight for the extra 1.5 yards. Our receivers bitching for a flag every time they drop a pass. Dline getting absolutely obliterated on every play. The gap between OSU and Mich will never close because UM does not care enough. Ohio State spends every practice all year preparing for this game. They would rather beat UM than win a natty. We’ve accepted that we’re gonna lose to TTDS every god damn year and it seems like the coaches and players couldn’t care less. The entire team gave up when shea fumbled in the second quarter. The last 7 minutes of this game UM players were walking around the field with their got damn eyes on the ground and their shoulders slumped. Awful look for the program today.

Since 2007, App State has beaten Michigan football as many times as Michigan has beaten Ohio State football.

AX MURDERED

row the boat my ass, (I will not row the boat)

I don’t think anyone could have foreseen Minnesota’s season ending this way. Such an unexpected outcome.

Minnesota has a storybook season -- but their only two losses coming from their most hated rivals. This makes me want to die more than just having a trash season.

The outboard boat motor was invented in Wisconsin in 1907. Since then, rowing has been an antiquated and irrelevant method of aquatic transportation. We should have seen the signs.

It’s alright Minnesota...technically Wisconsin only won getting the chance to play Ohio State. And I think that means you won through losing. The more you know

Wisconsin with 280 pass yards and 173 rushing. In the snow. Just like we all predicted.

Our dream season ends with getting absolutely fucking double teamed by Iowa and Wisconsin fans in this thread. Lol Kill me. We can never have nice things

Losing to Wisconsin to avoid an even worse curb stomping by tOSU is some serious big brain stuff by Fleck.

Boat capsized, but not we get to freeze to death and drown so at least we don’t have to watch another gophers game.

Imagine having your best season in nearly 60 years and still losing to both your rivals and giving the series lead to your rival in a home curb-stomping in front of a sold-out crowd. Oh wait. I don’t have to imagine it BECAUSE THAT BULLSHIT IS REAL. FUCK PJ FLECK

All that crazy shit all year and Wiscy STILL wins the west. Life is suffering.

Welp, guess everything’s done now. The Citrus Bowl is truly an ignominious fall from grace.

Iowa cracked the hull, but Wisconsin split that fucker in half

P.P. Fleck. Poo poo fleck

Can’t believe we did Ohio State a favor saving them from their only Achilles heel, A team with an inspirational cancer story.

If you told me before the game we held Taylor to 76 yards I would’ve been ecstatic. I’m not ecstatic

This does not spark joy.

HALP ME. I need a hug, and my 8-year-old daughter decided to cheer for Wisconsin because “We vacation there every year and it seems nice” I have failed as a father and as a man and must commit seppuku.

DOGS > CATS

This day extracts a heavy toll

Colorado beat Washington and got blown out by WSU. Making sense of the Pac-12 is a losing proposition.

Cal beat both teams and choked at the hands of Oregon State. What a conference of shit and confusion.

[x] Death

[x] Taxes

[x] Chris Petersen owning Mike Leach in the Apple Cup

We’re a women’s soccer school any way.

Leach: Always runs the exact same scheme every game

Other teams: Plan around it

Leach: surprised pikachu

Ben Burr-Kirven was on one of the local sports radio shows a few months ago and one of the hosts asked him how they beat WSU every year. He said that most teams play scared and drop into deep coverages leaving the running game and short passes wide open. He said when he was there UW never played with that mentality, ie played scared. Also Burr-Kirven mentioned that WSU literally ran the exact same plays four years in a row. When I heard that interview I was like ok now the cat’s outta the bag, maybe they’ll adjust. NOPE! Same shit.

Hopefully we can go to the Vegas bowl so I can drink myself to death

I wanted us in the Vegas Bowl just so we could wrap up this shit season before Christmas.

Lose or lose Cougs booze

Mike Leach news literally being fake news is actually very fitting for Mike Leach

Mike Leach with the pettiest timeout of all time. Only bit of joy I got from this game.

WSU Women’s soccer has won their elite 8 matchup and is headed to the College Cup! (soccer final 4). The NCAA Women’s Soccer final 4 is

1 Stanford vs #2 UCLA

1 North Carolina vs nonseeded WSU

WSU has defeated Mephis 1-0, #1 seed UVA 3-2, West Virginia 3-0, and #2 seed South Carolina 1-0 in OT to advance to the first College Cup in school history.

”Playing WSU is equivalent to taking an open book test... if you don’t pass the test something is wrong with you!! That is why we win (smack) WSU every single year.” -Budda Baker

Black Friday, known famously as:

The day after Thanksgiving;

A day full of deals;

The annual beatdown delivered courtesy of UW

Fire Larry Scott

Rumor has it, Mike Leach is still calling time outs.

Peterson left but UW is still gonna kick our ass until Leach figures out another way to coach a goddamn game. Life is pointless and none of this matters.

HAPPY SCOTT FROST DAY

This is the first time in Nebraska history that we have had three straight 7+ loss seasons. Why the FUCK did we fire Bo?

I hope this doesn’t hurt Martinez’s Heisman hopes

Why is this game on BTN?

Fire Larry Scott

ScOtT FrOsT iS a NaTiOnAl ChAmPiOnShIp CaLiBeR CoAcH

This Iowa season is pretty much what would happen if a learning AI studied all of Iowa football history and was told to create the most Iowa season possible

Frost, you’re 5-6, playing a top 25 team at home with the chance of going bowling and sending loyal (and freezing) fans home happy.

And yet you attempt to run out the clock but are too incompetent to do so. I bet even fans that hate us hate Frost for that bullshit

They took the first post-game thread down because Scott Frost called a time-out first.

Nebraska: gets bailed out

Nebraska: blows it

Nebraska: gets bailed out AGAIN

Nebraska: BLOWS IT AGAIN

Oh, Iowa fans are gonna be mad about this being reversed? Are they mad about that block in the back too?

Can we please never run a swing pass again? I just don’t understand the infatuation.

What was Frost yelling at the end there?

”I GOT A TWO YEAR EXTENSION. I DRIVE A DODGE STRATUS.”

Defense made mistakes but was our shining guide into winning this game. This is absolutely on Martinez imo. Ran so slowly, ran horizontally, never passed, and they still designed runs for him instead of Mills who actually looked like he wanted to play!

Christ Jesus, we didn’t even get the good part of Martinez this game, where he makes explosive runs. He throws one pick, and now not only is he not 100% mentally because he gets in his own head, but he seems to be not there physically either because of his knee! Look at this game again and see how many times he has 4 seconds in the pocket and decides to run, it is inconceivable that we run so many pass plays and our receivers are covered to the degree that we need to scramble.

This game was served to us on a golden platter a countless amount of times. Iowa got ripped off on these calls. This was a literal dream opportunity. Our defense, which was supposed to be our weak link this game literally put the team on their back and got a pick-6 on a quarterback that had ONE career interception before this game. They didn’t even allow 27 points, they allowed 20 while our special teams let them return a kick for a touchdown.

“Nebraska is a lot better than 5 and 7” doubt

Frost needs to find his balls for next season.

I would like to congratulate both teams for not having a mumps outbreak

Time to fire up those VHS tapes and rewatch games from the 90s

NEB LB: Squares up to RB.

IOWA RB: Takes one step slightly to the left.

NEB LB: Where the fuck did he go

WHY DID MARTINEZ RUN OUT OF BOUNDS LMFAFIEODMFJOWLQKFIDL

The bad news is that we have troubling tackling, blocking, passing, shedding blocks and reading plays. The good news is that as mortal beings death will one day make us all equal.

HOTTY POTTY

Last drive had:

A 4th and 26

A successful Hail Mary

4 first downs

6 penalty flags

3 injuries

3 interceptions

Two plays completed then called back because it was blown dead pre snap

A touchdown with less than ten seconds remaining

A celebration that involve pissing like a dog

A missed PAT

The benches cleared

The egg bowl is true to itself in making both fans wish for death.

It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer Egg Bowl.

You have unlocked an ESPN Instant Classic: “Urine the postseason!”

This will be forever known as “THE GAME OLE MISS PISSED AWAY” The Ole Piss n’ Miss

Mississippi knife fight that ended with a dog pissing penalty. So very Egg bowl

When my dad said the russians were laughing at us in the cold war I thought he was making shit up. The russians are definitely laughing at us now.

“It does not represent who I am.”

It absolutely represents who you are...What a load of bullshit. I believe we can only be judged on our actions.

No one should be judged on things they cannot choose: race, class, gender, sexuality, age, etc.

But if we cannot judge you on your decisions or choices then a person will have free reign to do stupid ass shit and not be held accountable.

*Moore tries to fair catch a ball he’s already caught*

ESPN 30-for-30 Voice “WHAT IF I TOLD YOU, this would NOT be the dumbest thing Elijah Moore would do in the Egg Bowl?”

Ole Miss converts 4th and 24 from their half of the field on essentially a Hail Mary, drives the field to the end zone, has multiple offsetting penalties allowing the game to continue, gets a TD on 3rd and Goal with 4 seconds left, gets an unsportsmanlike celebration by imitating a pissing dog to make the extra point try further and it goes wide right.

This is so much worse than just getting ass rammed.

That man will never live down that celebration. He could singlehandedly save the entire human race from alien extinction and someone would mock him by overlaying him pissing on the exploding alien mothership. He trains with Antonio Brown in the offseason. Clearly learned too much.

You know he was waiting to bust out that piss celebration all week. Looked like he was holding it in for a while.

oh look at me belligerently drunk yelling at two sub .500 teams in Mississippi playing football

The announcer saying “Moore is a big time player he needs to know you can’t pee on the field” is so peak Ole Miss.

So how’d you lose? Our receiver pretended to be a dog pissing in their endzone. Oh ya that’ll happen

https://gfycat.com/lonelyacademiccoqui

Bad dog

45 years from now that player will have grandchildren, and when they google him the first thing they will see is the stupidest fucking penalty in the history of football and know what a fucking dumbass their grandpappy is.

M I S S I S S I Pee Pee I

me: Omg we hit a bomb on 4th and 25. This is CRAZY!

CFB: You ain’t seen nuthin yet

I laughed, I cried, I lost 15 pounds from hate vomiting at that ending.

Now we’re gonna know what bama fans feel like having to see the kick six all the goddamn time. We will never live this down.

How do you like your eggs?

Beaten with a baseball bat