NSFW: A well-deserved Iron Bowl meltdown

The college football season is winding down and so too is my time with Roll Bama Roll. This is my fourth season as the custodian of the meltdown thread and I’ve deeply enjoyed my time as its humble guide.

I hope all the laughs I’ve tried to bring over the years will afford me this temporary indulgence into true sincerity. If not, just scroll down you know where the good stuff is by now. Though this column wasn’t my idea I tried my best to make it something new and different than it was before I got here. If you liked what this column became, wonderful. If not, now is the time to light your victory cigars at my retirement.

A few thank yous must be handed out before we get to the stuff we’re all here to actually read. Thank you Erik for hiring me, some random Texas Tech student, to take over this wonderful responsibility and for not firing me when I went off script. Thank you Josh for editing this bear for so many years and picking up the slack when I needed help. Thank you to every single person who got mad online and wrote a hilarious or vulgar comment in a place where I could find it. Lastly, thank you to everyone who reads, comments, or emails me about this column.

Anyway, let’s get down to it. The Iron Bowl happened. It was stupid. Y’all know what happened. Bama lost 45-48 to Auburn.

There’s a lot of swears below, like... a lot. Don’t scroll down if you’re one who often finds themselves clutching their pearls.

BAM, UGH

It’s not even death and taxes. You don’t know when you’re going to die. Sometimes you get a tax refund. There is nothing in this universe as certain as an Alabama kicker missing a critical field goal

WHICH ONE OF YOU COWARDS SHIT MY PANTS

This is Alabama’s first 2+ loss regular season since 2010.

Saban may literally kill the 12th player

Guys, I think this Gary Danielson fellow might not be the best college football announcer

The ol’ constant PI until you get a pick six strategy. Fucking classic barn

For the 6th straight year Alabama doesn’t have to stress about being picked for the playoff

Gary is defending literally every fucking barn penalty

Tua would’ve ripped this defense seventeen new assholes

Took two dumbass pick sixes and the worst refereeing performance in a long ass time. Congrats, fuckos.

According to Bill Connelly Auburn had a six percent chance to win the game. A SIX FUCKING PERCENT CHANCE WHAT IN THE EAGLE FUCKING A TIGER DEVIL MAGIC IS THIS SHIT??!?!?

What it took to get a playoff without bama • A run of injuries in fall camp and early in the season rendered what was supposed to be an experienced and dominant front seven more reliant on freshmen than ever under Saban.

• After serving as one of the last elite programs to rely on Big Burly Manball as its major offensive philosophy, Ed Orgeron’s LSU team finally put together the right pieces for full-on modernization this season and ignited.

• That LSU offense surged to second in offensive SP+ and put up 46 points and 559 yards on Alabama in Tuscaloosa. All of it was needed (Bama scored 41), and much of the output came in the form of running back Clyde Edwards-Helaire running through front-seven arm tackles.

• Late in the first half of the LSU game, Bama suffered probably the worst two-minute span of Saban’s tenure, giving up two Edwards-Helaire touchdowns in 20 seconds to turn a six-point deficit into a 20-pointer. The Tide made up 15 of those points but couldn’t get over the hump.

• On what was supposed to be his final drive of the game against Mississippi State a week later, Tagovailoa, already slowed by an ankle injury that had him limping through the LSU game, suffered a freak hip injury and was lost for the season.

Alabama loses in only the absolute worst of ways.

I don’t know guys. Can we really leave out the team with the 2 best quality loses out of the CFP? I still got Bama at #4

We lost to this face. We deserve death

Unbelievable. I’ve been crucified for saying that coach Nick Saban is in over his head, but that guy does not deserve to coach my crimson tide anymore.

What an awful coaching performance by Nick Saban! Giving up 48 points to a horrific Auburn offense and he STILL hasn’t found a kicker. HE MUST GO! #FireSaban

This is enough!! Saban has lost this team and doesn’t know what he’s doing anymore! 48 POINTS AGAINST AUBURN! It’s time to move on before the program is lost! #FireSaban

Tennessee has won at Jordan-Hare more recently than Alabama has. This has been fun facts time, I’m gonna go jump balls first into a stack of unsterilized needles.

Picture it: Gus Malzahn waking up in the morning, sunlight filtering softly through his blinds. With a coffee cup in his left hand, he pulls open the door to his walk-in closet. Inside, a tasteful array of thoughtfully coordinated sweater/visor combos. He pulls down a cableknit and smiles as his buyout now exceeds the GDP of a small country.

I think we played it smart. Why risk another kick six when you can just hit it off the upright, thus preventing the possibility of a return?

People that didn’t grow up in Alabama can’t fathom the pain of being a kid and going to the school bus stop the Monday after your team loses.

You know in the beginning of Pirates of the Caribbean when that officer is like “a broken compass, shitty spyglass, no boat. You’re the worst pirate I’ve ever heard of.” Then later Jack Sparrow escapes through shear luck, chaos, and stupidity of his captors and then an officer says “that’s the greatest pirate I’ve ever seen.” That was literally what it was like watching Bo Nix play tonight.

Waddle used up all our extra special teams magic we should’ve been using on field goals.

Alabama didn’t give the proper sacrifice to survive the curse of that stadium. Georgia had to sacrifice a photographer to get there win.

Welp. At least nobody got a penalty for pretending to pee on the field.

I hope every fan that got caught in the hedges got poison ivy on their taint

I want to congratulate Gus on his forthcoming lifetime contract.

Only reason I want to go to Auburn is so I can take a shit in those hedges.

Fuck if this comes to Alabama kicking a field goal to win the game at Jordan-Hare... I’m just going to walk straight into the ocean and hope for the worst.

I think I actually hate Gary more than Auburn

fuck the crying grandpa commercial. And fuck those parents who just pawn off their kids on an ipad. And fuck apple for trying to make that the norm.

TUA NO WEIGHT ON YOUR HIP FOR SIX WEEKS. SIT DOWN.

Where TF does Auburn find these kickers???

Anyone getting mad at Saban doesn’t understand the difference in scenarios. The clock was stopped in the Kick Six game. We would’ve had the full play clock to line up and snap the ball for that kick.

In this scenario, Auburn would’ve never realistically been able to snap that ball once the clock started winding from 1 to 0. The fact that it went to review basically gave them a 4th timeout.

Saban has every reason to be ticked off here.

If this scenario was flipped and bama got a free field goal we’d have to shut down the whole goddamn internet

Eventually the AUburn bullshit has to run out… right? Like the devil is past due on collecting some goddamn barner souls. I swear in the next 5 years the devil say to himself “Alright Gus you motherfucker you’re past due,” Half the auburn players will start shitting themselves as Malzahn slowly walks to midfield in the middle of a play. Everyone stops and watches as his eyes turn the brightest shade of green the earth has ever seen. Fans and players watch on in horror as Gus makes noises too horrible to come from a human body. The players on the field run back to their sidelines as the noises grow louder and louder and Gus begins to levitate off the ground. Below him the ground starts to rumble, then splits open as Gus Malzahn starts descending slowly into the depths of hell while screaming “NO DON’T TAKE ME, IT WASN’T WORTH IT PLEASE TAKE CHIZIK INSTEAD!!!” His pleas fall on deaf ears as the ground closes up and swallows him whole. All the spectators watch on in stunned silence, then slowly the teams and fans walk out of the stadium, unable to ever forget what they saw. Auburn immediately shuts down the university and the town is permanently evacuated. The army launches a nuclear bomb into the permanently vacated town formerly known as auburn just for good measure. A governmental blockade is permanently placed around the area and a metal dome forever covers the area to dissuade any from visiting the relics left from that time. Legend says the only things remaining after the nuclear blast were a waffle house sign, charred bits of an auburn visor, and a few feathers from an eagle.